The official AIRPOD ETIQUETTE GUIDE

I can't believe I'M the one to say it

I remember when having AirPods was weird. I’m decrepit and 24 and old enough to remember that AirPods were universally seen as a douchey accessory that only hypebeasts wore, back when hypebeasts were a thing, with their Supreme hoodies and Yeezy shoes. Two-thirds of those trends had to die in order for AirPods to rise.

I would like to shake the hand of the PR maven that Apple hired to bring AirPods back into the light, because they’re no longer just for rich guys who dress like spacemen. Somehow, in the years between 2015 and 2026, the frogs all boiled and AirPods became hypernormal. A lot has changed since the invention of the little Bluetooth dot in your ear.

It’s more odd in 2026 to see someone on the street without some type of headphones in. AirPods have normalized being overstimulated, multitasking, all the time. Podcast for laundry. Music for dishes. Audiobook for the parts of the commute where I can’t sit down and read my physical book. There’s actual self-help advice— which is genuinely good advice, but feels pretty pathetic to read — telling us that a ten-minute walk with no stimulus is equivalent to a green juice. And actually taking that ten-minute walk feels like torture.

It feels rude! It feels strange! We are cyborgs et cetera et cetera. Just like Lime scooters, they’re useful but kind of freaky, and we can’t just accept them into society without a bit of criticism— we need to set some ground rules.

Your AirPods should be connected to the AirPods of those around you, allowing for you to talk to people in your proximity

For the low, low price of $250, you can talk to— for example— people in the same room, or people briefly passing you on the sidewalk. Or your waiter or your coworkers. But only if they also have AirPods.

You must take a picture of your made bed to unlock them

If you’re waking up and immediately putting the ‘pods in to drown out the world, you’re just asking to turn yourself into a zombie for the next 36 hours.

There should be a safety feature which only allows you to blast your brain with John Summit or whatever the fuck if you can prove you took a couple deep breaths and made your bed and made coffee without listening to John Summit or whatever the fuck.

No AirPods in church (sorry)

So, yeah, this article was inspired by a guy I saw on Christmas wearing AirPods in church.

As someone who only goes to church with my family on holidays, I probably shouldn’t be making rules for what you can and can’t do in there. I certainly shouldn’t be positing myself as holier than anyone else in attendance.

…But , on the other hand, I’d imagine God is probably also not thrilled by one of His children listening to some other podcaster in His house, especially on a day when half the attendees are forced to stand because there isn’t enough room. I am genuinely asking— isn’t that idolatry? Is Joe Rogan the new golden calf?

I do think that maybe this guy unintentionally proved the existence of a merciful God, though, because any vengeful god worth his salt would’ve seen a guy listening to Barstool Sports in his church and struck down that establishment then and there.

Certain artists should blanket be banned from being played on AirPods

I don’t really know what this would look like in practice, but I think it would be funny. Like how some artists get taken off Spotify, but instead they can’t be played on AirPods.

For example, if you want to listen to Call Her Daddy, you should be shamed into listening to it out loud. Let everyone around you know you’re listening to an hour of dull interview just on the off chance that for ten seconds a former child star says something barely interesting about his love life. Have some stranger spoil those juicy ten seconds for you. It’ll probably be better for you in the long run, because then you don’t waste an hour and can move on with your day.

White AirPods are now considered #CHOPPED

Why are AirPods that fugly white color? There’s an orange iPhone, but I can’t get colored AirPods unless I shell out for the over-ear ones?

Apple is missing out on a huge revenue stream by ignoring AirPod colors, and I frankly can’t believe I’m giving away this idea for free. But I am the Ideas Guy. If AirPods are going to keep us in our own isolated little bubbles all the time, I at least want some hot pink ones.

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Thank u 4 reading… I’ll be back next week with something longer form… possibly a new Ideas Guy Investigates or Style Report… if you have any suggestions for questions I should investigate or places I should report on style, please hit the DMs or comments or reply to this email.

xx Liz