The Oscars are over. It's time for the Lizzes
Winning the most prestigious American film award is one thing, but creating a moment that sticks in some random girl's psyche forever is another.
This week, I’ll be my favorite moments from this season’s buzziest films. Do these moments have artistic merit? Arguably. Are they things I’ll be thinking about on my deathbed? Well, of course.
(Don’t tell my future husband and children that instead of them on my deathbed I’m thinking about Timothée Chalamet. Just kidding! In 2136, which is when I will pass peacefully, my husband will be Timothée Chalamet.)
I’m not a film critic, but I like movies and I like to talk about them. If it gives me any credibility, I was a film major for two semesters in college, but this will absolutely not show from any of my listed opinions.
Let’s get to the shortlist [potential spoilers ahead!]. The Liz award winners from the 2024 season are:
Whatever the hell was going on at the Newport Folk Festival 1965 [A Complete Unknown]
Bob Dylan stepped out on the stage with a band and an electric guitar and people IMMEDIATELY started beating each other up in the audience. Hello?
I generally liked A Complete Unknown, but this particular scene was uncanny valley and strange in such a hilarious way. Cutting from Bob’s set to the crowd booing and jeering and fighting each other was reminiscent of the fake CGI crowd at Live Aid in Bohemian Rhapsody, which in turn was reminiscent of Wii Sports baseball.
Just imagine being at a concert for your favorite artist of all time. They come onstage and start playing some NEW, UNRELEASED SONGS and you hate it so much you immediately start throwing garbage at him and fighting the friends that you came with. I cannot imagine even being close to that headspace. But somehow all of these people went into mass psychosis when Bob Dylan pulled out an electric guitar. Okay.
I watched this scene and said okay, maybe I’ve never really lived. Maybe I’ve never been to a real concert. Maybe I don’t know music at all, because I have never ever felt the urge to act like this.
Sue’s gap tooth [The Substance]
In October, I finished my Invisalign course, during which I fixed my gap tooth. To celebrate, I immediately treated myself to a showing of The Substance. Little did I know this was a movie about the scientifically created baddest bitch alive, a huge part of whose swag comes from her gap tooth.
When she says “I’m Sue” with that little lisp I regretted every decision I’ve ever made. Why oh why did I spend three thousand dollars to fix the gap in my teeth, I cried. Are you fucking kidding me.
For a movie whose entire ethos is about how body dysmorphia will literally turn you into a wretched monster, I was awfully jealous of this other woman’s teeth and started hating mine immediately. Sorry gals, didn’t get the message! Maybe next time.
Adrien Brody’s cigarette acting [The Brutalist]
I had mixed feelings on The Brutalist but one thing is undeniable: Adrien Brody can work with a prop cigarette like no other. This is a theme I’ve been tracking since the last Oscars, when I clocked just how adeptly Cillian Murphy wields a cigarette in Oppenheimer (much better than its Cigarette Acting competitor, Bradley Cooper in Maestro.)
The only other competition I’ve really seen in this category this year was Timothee Chalamet in A Complete Unknown, who puts up a good fight but ultimately doesn’t hold a candle to Brody.
I mean, László Tóth (all-time fake name btw) was just much more tortured than Bob Dylan. Maybe that’s the final measure of how good cigarette acting can really be. Oppenheimer was definitely more tortured than Leonard Bernstein. Something to think about.
Vanya naked backflip [Anora]
If you’ve seen this movie, you know exactly what I’m talking about because it’s likely seared into your brain as well. It’s not super explicit (besides the obvious nakedness)— it’s just purely charming.
I have never seen someone with more swag in my entire life than this troubled Russian boy. It is completely, COMPLETELY! COMPLETELY… understandable why Anora was down bad for this goofy loser because wow. I think if I witnessed that I would be in a trance for years. YEARS!
I am so endeared to this man Mark Eydelshteyn. Bonus points for this clip of him getting flustered at getting a girl’s number. He is literally perfect. There are articles everywhere calling him the Russian Timothee Chalamet and I think that’s a disservice to the new light of my life. VANYAAAAAAA!
The papal election process [Conclave]
Conclave was for all my girls that went to Catholic school and aren’t really super Catholic anymore but still have a lot of Roman Catholic knowledge rattling around their brains.
Today at brunch my cousin (a fellow 12-year Catholic school-goer) asked me if I remembered where I was when Pope Francis was elected. Of course I was. I was in sixth grade, and we’d been learning about the papal election process for weeks.
You know how people always say they thought quicksand would be a bigger deal when they grew up? I grew up thinking black vs. white smoke would be a bigger deal. And it never was… until this Oscars/Lizzes season.
Thank you to the creators of Conclave for giving me a second job of explaining the drama of how the Pope gets elected to all my non-Catholic friends. GOD I am always excited to clock the fuck in.
Being able to say “...you’re dune 2 much” [Dune 2]
I’ll probably say this once or twice at my Oscar party tonight and get a couple laughs. Then I’ll say it a third time and it’ll immediately become annoying. Then maybe I’ll spiral. That’s all.
Getting clocked in the theater seeing Challengers by myself, which isn’t that weird but then I made it weird [Challengers]
Okay, this one got nominated for zero Oscars, but guess what? This isn’t the Oscars. This is the Lizzes. Buckle up.
Picture this: me, AMC A-Lister, wanting to see Challengers, can’t find anyone to watch it with, going by myself as I typically do anyway. Challengers, famously, is an erotic sports thriller, which is a genre we should really be doing more with. But I digress.
I see a lot of movies by myself, but for some reason thought it would be more embarrassing and perverse if someone caught me going to see this one by myself. (I mentioned before that I went to Catholic school for years and I suspect this might have something to do with it.)
Sure enough, I was in the bathroom after the movie and ran into an acquaintance I probably see twice a year. Nervous, I tried to joke “I was literally hoping no one would see me here by myself.”
Why, why, why did I say that? I was literally in the bathroom. I didn’t have to say that. I could’ve had friends waiting for me outside the bathroom.
I think I blacked out the rest of the interaction but I’m pretty sure she asked if I see a lot of movies by myself and I said yes and then explained AMC A-List because I didn’t want to sound like a fucking loser. However, unfortunately, explaining AMC A-List in any context makes you sound like a loser.
Well, that’s all we’ve got for the 2024 season. Gosh, what a ride! We started with my favorite moments from movies and ended up diving into my psyche.
However, using what you see on the screen to investigate your own pitfalls and neuroses is what I believe they call “the magic of the movies.” In that sense, the Lizzes are exactly what they need to be.
I think I did an incredible job, but please leave a comment if you think there were any egregious snubs this Liz award season.