MAJOR advice for the class of 2025
from your elder, a member of the class of 2023
It’s been two years since I graduated college, and have recently decided after some minor career and life successes1 that it’s time for me to impart my wisdom on everyone who just recently graduated college.
See how stupid that sounds? But really, is it that much stupider for someone thirty, forty, fifty years out of college to give life advice? I’ve learned some things. I have a couple bits and pieces to contribute. I don’t think I’ve really gained enough life experience to instruct you on how to live the next sixty-plus years, but I can give you a couple tips I’ve picked up along the way that are sure to help you navigate your early twenties and beyond.
Learn to do the splits or something equally physically interesting NOW!!!!
You never know when you’ll need a physical gag that really wows people. If you keep the splits in your back pocket, tell nobody, and then break it out one day, people will be shocked and you’ll immediately seem more interesting.
You could also do this with a handstand or something. Double-jointed people have it easy; they were born with it.
It’s important to only do this once and stay REALLY humble about it. Like, never talk about it at all. Maybe you can repeat it if it’s in front of COMPLETELY different friend groups, but even that’s risky. You run the risk of becoming the Splits Guy, which is worse than not having any skill at all.
Continue to keep an eye out for Smirnoff Ices at every turn
Getting iced will stay an imminent threat until you’re on your deathbed.
Learn consulting jargon ASAP*
You’ll wake up in a few months and find that half of your friends are mysteriously employed as “consultants,” and they’ll start throwing around the craziest lingo amongst each other and you’ll sit there, a full-time coder and part-time writer of bullshit, wondering if they’d ever notice if you left the room or if they’d just keep stimming at one another.
Though this behavior— at least for 22-year-old new hires— is kind of giving Boss Baby, it wouldn’t hurt to learn some of this jargon so your friends don’t look at you like a simpleton. Though, they never bothered to learn what an Agile ceremony was for you, so really who cares?
*Can someone let me know if this is just what an MBA is?
You’re going to feel your prefrontal cortex developing in real time and it’s going to hurt.
Ouch!!!! Ow ow ow.
Get an office crush. If you can’t find someone suitable, I am serious, get a new job.
Get real. If you have a hottie to impress in the office, you’ll always be ON TIME, hitting your requisite 3 days per week in office WITH EASE, and looking professional. You’ll be taking calls all day in the hopes that they walk by and see you crushing deals. All of a sudden your professionalism is noticed by your boss. You’re promoted. You have a happy, successful career.
Nobody has to know that the chance for a tiny morsel of small talk with some nerd in Accounting is the reason for all your career success. If you don’t currently have a little office crush, just know you’re operating at about 80% of what you could be if you had if you were trying to impress someone.
I’m not saying you should do anything about it; Ideas Guy is STRICTLY NEUTRAL when it comes to HR violations. But nothing wrong with an innocent little crush! If office crushes were made illegal the global economy would tank.
Life is like a book.
I just went to my sister’s high school graduation and there were actually three different speeches with this theme. Thought I’d include it here for good measure. Fuck it! Life’s a book!
The only things you really need to buy are a Dyson AirWrap and a very big very conspicuous keychain
Not to be controversial, but life is really good when you’re having a good hair day and not locked out of your apartment.
This is, of course, much easier and $600 cheaper for people who have short hair and don’t have to do the Dyson AirWrap part.
(softly, gently) maybe you could watch your screentime? or something like that haha, no big deal though... Please don’t hurt me
I’m gently, gently going to suggest that if you’re embarrassed at your screentime—NO, NO, I’M NOT ACCUSING YOU OF ANYTHING— you should probably be reading more books… Listen…. I’m saying this very very quietly because you’re already starting to get crazy withdrawal eyes and you might start clawing your own skin if I use any firmer of a tone. You should maybe, maybe pay attention to how much time you’re wasting. (You in particular are totally fine, though. Ignore me, honestly, haha!) Ok please please I didn’t mean it you’re actually great!!!! don’t hurt me
thanks for reading. please comment below more advice for the people two years younger than me.
+ share this newsletter with all the people two years younger than YOU. maybe we can get some kind of chain going where this gets sent around 12 times and then goes to a baby
and also subscribe if you’re not already... but you’d never do that to me, right?
signed an NDA can’t tell you what they are. just trust me